Being uncomfortable with my money

My job frequently requires me to create or analyse a financial model. If I’m honest, that’s also the kind of thing I like to do on a weekend for fun. 

I’m the person who gets excited every month when the mortgage payment is made because I get to see the amortisation live in action. I’m cool like that. 

When I can’t sleep (or possibly the cause of my sleeplessness), I like to do the mental arithmetic on how long certain goals might take to be achieved if X, Y or Z variables were to occur.

When Covid-19 first emerged, I found it humbling, but also interesting to see the financial implications begin to filter through. Not the value of my share portfolio or superannuation balance, but the cold hard cash flow.

The combined reality of Covid-19 and my personal finances is considerably better than most, please know that I am aware of that. However, I am also tired of dismissing the continued impact that it is having. It’s very real for me and my family. 

Covid-19 has reminded us that whilst there is always someone worse off than you, acting like everything is fine is also unhealthy. Comparative suffering is a concept that’s taken me a while to get my head around.

This article is not designed to impart any profound wisdom. It feels more like a journal entry, an honest opening of the soul. 

The financial flow-on effects of Covid-19 look different for everyone, here’s how it has played out for my family and I (so far). 

We had tenants in our investment property notify us of their hardships, and for a period were paying rent at 50%. 

We listed our holiday home as an AirBnb rental to financially support my maternity leave and reflect that our lifestyle has temporarily shifted with a new baby. The Ring of Steel and all of the hideous lockdowns Melbourne faced saw bookings cancelled and money evaporating.

After moving somewhere with more space, our family home was listed for sale. Lockdown 6 means it’s currently vacant, and we’re not sure yet when we are going to be able to sell it but continue to pay the mortgage. 

The expression ‘when it rains, it pours’ feels quite apt right now. I am a proud accumulator of wealth, I’ve worked very hard for many years to do so. To take multiple and significant hits is a new experience. And my job makes me acutely aware of the quantified impact of each challenge. 

I feel this is a unique challenge of our time, when so many of us are facing deferrals of our goals, through no fault of our own.

I work a lot with salaried employees, with relatively predictable earnings and the possibility of upside by way of a bonus, commissions, an investment success or perhaps a tax refund. Predictable earnings combined with accountability and a clear vision makes for predictable results. 

Now collectively, so many of us are having to push things back. 

The financial narrative of Covid-19 has largely been focused on businesses and workers who have been struggling to make ends meet.

But I would like to open up the conversation to those who, through a combination of circumstances and/or good planning, don’t find themselves near the brink of disaster, but are still really uncomfortable with the financial toll this has taken and what it means for the years ahead. 

I am frustrated. I am disappointed. I think of 100 ways I could have managed each situation differently. I wonder what might have been ‘if only…’. I think about how meticulous I have been in my financial management up to this point in my life only to have thousands and thousands of dollars disappear. I think about how I equate money with time and I can’t help but think about this goal getting pushed back 12 months, or that goal getting pushed back a couple of years. 

I think about how I had previously thought about financial risk and that I had never remotely prepared for this kind of life event. This is not the same as making a bad investment. Or watching your wealth rise and fall through economic cycles. 

What do we do with these feelings? What do we do with our money? Do we adjust our goals, or expectations, our appetite for risk? 

I don’t know what the answers are, not for myself at least. I’m grateful that I’ve got a financial adviser who can help navigate this and I’m not doing this alone.

If you’re simultaneously grateful to be in a strong position, but also struggling with the reality of what has happened to you, that’s ok. And if you want to talk to someone about it, I’m here.